


Perforation in Blue

by amythis



Category: Laverne & Shirley (TV)
Genre: F/M, alternative alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23501152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: More plot twists to Shirley's soap opera dream.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	Perforation in Blue

EVERYONE BUT SHARLENE: You stole the purse!  
MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN: (offscreen) But it was my purse! [Everyone looks around trying to find the speaker. Then she bursts out of the downstairs closet, but has to fight her way past the potted palm. She is wearing a glamorous black gown with spiked heels, and her gray hair is in ringlets. Fritz and Sqven gasp, Sharlene looks annoyed, and everyone else looks baffled. The organ has been playing dramatically all through this part.]  
NARRATOR: It was Etta Baublenik, Fritz's ex-wife.  
FRITZ: Etta Baby, long time no see!  
SQVEN: Mumsy!  
ETTA: You are no son of mine. [Dramatic organ music, hereafter referred to as DOM.]  
SQVEN: The poor woman is senile. Everyone knows I am the only legitimate son and heir of billionaire Fritz Baublenik, by his former wife, Etta, maiden name Schlemiel.  
LEONARDO: Wait a minute. Missy, isn't that your maiden name?  
SHARLENE: (trying to bear up nobly under the shame) Yes, Sqven is not only my secret brother, but my cousin! [DOM. Lu Ann looks amused and then seems to remember that Sqven is also her brother.]  
FRITZ: (nodding) As part of the divorce agreement, I agreed to betroth our son to Etta's niece, even though I knew Sharlene was my secret daughter by my sister-in-law.  
SHARLENE: Aunt Etta doomed me to a loveless, incestuous marriage, so if this is her purse I took, I'm glad I took it. Glad I tell you!  
LU ANN: (annoyed) It's my purse.  
ETTA: Sqven is neither your brother nor your cousin, Sharlene. [DOM.]  
SQVEN: Oh, woe is me! If a man can't even believe he's committed incest with his own wife, what is there left to believe in?  
RHODA: But how is zis possible?  
ETTA: Fritz did have an affair with my sister-in-law, but Sharlene's father is (dramatic pause) my brother! [Everyone looks shocked by this revelation of legitimacy.]  
LU ANN: (trying to be hopeful) But they're still cousins, right?  
ETTA: (trying not to lose her patience) No, because as I said, Sqven isn't my son.  
SQVEN: But if you're not my mumsy, Mumsy, who is?  
ETTA: You are the son of Mrs. Carlisle. [DOM.]  
FRITZ: (confused) But I never had an affair with Mrs. Carlisle.  
ETTA: I know. Sqven is the fraternal twin of Carlisle the pharmacist.  
FRITZ: (even more confused) But I remember you being pregnant, Etta!  
ETTA: I was, but it was with someone else in this room. [DOM, as everyone looks at each other.]  
RHODA: Please don't say zat it's me!  
ETTA: No, you are Sharlene's sister. [DOM, as everyone looks shocked or confused.]  
SQVEN: Ah, I can see the resemblance. [Almost everyone looks at him like he's crazy.]  
LEONARDO: But Rhoda is my sister! [DOM. Everyone but Rhoda and Etta is shocked.]  
LU ANN: What about the accent?  
LEONARDO: I was born in Jersey.  
RHODA: I was raised by my French grandmuzzer after Maman died giving birth to me.  
SHARLENE: But if Rhoda is somehow sister to both me and Leonardo, doesn't that make him my brother? [He looks at her longingly, while Lu Ann is again spitefully amused.]  
ETTA: No, because Rhoda is half-sister to both of you. [Everyone looks stunned or confused.]  
RHODA: I am?  
ETTA: Yes, you see, your late mother, Mrs. De Chevy, had an affair with my brother, the late Mr. Schlemiel, and then, well, she was late.  
LEONARDO: Missy, you're not my sister!  
SHARLENE: I forgive you, Aunt Etta.  
LU ANN: (to Fritz) So we're not all your children?  
FRITZ: No, I thought none of you were, but I was pretending to see how you'd all react.  
RHODA: (scolding) Zat was not a nice thing to do!  
FRITZ: (shrugging) I'm rich and I'm old.  
SQVEN: But, wait, Mumsy said that someone in this room is her child. And if it's not me, or Rhoda and her siblings, then it must be—  
EVERYONE BUT ETTA AND LU ANN: (gasping and pointing) Lu Ann! [DOM.]  
LU ANN: But I was left on the Del Duit doorstep as a baby.  
RHODA: In a baskette?  
LU ANN: (as it sinks in) No, in a large blue purse with a snake design! [DOM.]  
ETTA: Yes, my purse, which I passed on to you, my only child, because I loved you but I couldn't bear the shame.  
LU ANN: So who's my father?  
ETTA: (pointing) Billionaire Fritz Baublenik! [DOM. Everyone looks shocked, including Fritz.]  
SQVEN: You were ashamed of Daddy, Mumsy? OK, so he's a lying, cheating pervert who has profited from the blood, sweat, and tears of the poor, but we all have our quirks.  
ETTA: I wasn't ashamed of him. I was ashamed that I had not borne the son and heir that Fritz insisted he needed to carry on the Baublenik empire.  
FRITZ: I always knew Sqven wasn't my kid, but I just figured my real kid had died. But now I find out that my real kid is this lying murderous floozy. I couldn't be any prouder.  
LU ANN: Pop!  
FRITZ: (holding out his arms for a hug) Muffin!  
LU ANN: Mom?  
ETTA: Honey! (The three of them group-hug.)  
LU ANN: Mom! Pop!  
ETTA: Honey!  
FRITZ: Muffin!  
SQVEN: (latching on) Honey Muffin! Mom! Pop!  
ETTA: (annoyed) I told you, you're not our son.  
SQVEN: But I'll be like a son when I marry Lu Ann.  
LU ANN: Dear!  
SQVEN: Darling!  
LU ANN: Darling!  
SQVEN: Dear! [They start making out, causing Fritz and Etta to retreat from the group hug.]  
FRITZ: Great, the son I never wanted.  
SHARLENE: Sqven Sweetie, have you forgotten that thanks to your twin brother's incompetence, I'm not dead?  
SQVEN: We'll get a divorce.  
LU ANN: Darling!  
SQVEN: Dear! [They make out some more.]  
RHODA: But what about smearing ze good name of Baublenik?  
SQVEN: (shrugging) What do I care? I'm a Carlisle. [He goes back to making out with Lu Ann.]  
FRITZ: Besides, I got a divorce and I'm a pillar of the community.  
SHARLENE: (taking Leonardo's hand) Leonardo, do you realize what this means?  
LEONARDO: I don't have to suck gas?  
SHARLENE: That and we can take the Caddy to Tacoma. If you know what I mean. [She winks big.]  
LEONARDO: Not really, but I'm sure you'll explain in intricate detail.  
SHARLENE: Oh, Leo!  
LEONARDO: Oh, Missy! [They start making out.]  
RHODA: (voiceover) It is easy for zem. Ze Baubleniks' supposed son will marry zeir real daughter. My bruzzer and sister haff found happiness togezzer. But what of moi? And mon bébé? [DOM. Everyone freezes.]  
NARRATOR: What secret is Rhoda hiding that can shake this reunited family to its core? Tune in to the next episode of _Twin Kitchens_. [Final flourish of dramatic organ music.]


End file.
